Author: Joe Parker

365 Day Song Challenge: Day 70 – “Emotions”

Posted on by Joe Parker

Day 70: A song that gives you a headache.

“Emotions” – Mariah Carey

EmotionsI considered picking a Metallica song for today’s post, but then I realized it was only Lars Ulrich that gave me a headache. Not his drumming. Him. He’s a douchebag.

So then I had to think about an actual song that made my head hurt. It didn’t take long to land on this one by Mariah Carey.

There are three things I know about Mariah Carey:

  • She has a five-octave range, which is extremely rare.
  • The rumor about her saying “When I… see those poor starving kids… I can’t help but cry…. I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.” is not true. (But was plausible.)
  • I don’t like her.

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Sure, she’s a diva and that has its own ball of crap that goes along with it, but that’s all par for the course. I can live with that. What really bugs me is that she has to “prove” she has that five-octave range, especially with what they call the whistle register. Which is really just a fancy term for “those notes so high your dog can’t even hear them.” And this song is a prime example.

If you don’t know what I mean, take a quick look at this video:

  • I might be able to buy throwing it into a song one time, just to say “Hey, check out what I can do.” Alright, that’s impressive.
  • Two times in one song is showboating. Yeah, yeah, okay. Your voice is the real deal. That’s enough.
  • The part that really hurts my head is the stretch in the video from 1:18 on. Is that really necessary? That’s just full-on “Nyah, nyah. I’m so much better than you are!” Hey, Mariah, do you mind leaving at least one window in my house intact? Thanks.

This song—specifically that one part of the song—destroyed any possibility of me listening to anything else she did. Ever. For eternity. Because it’s just… so… freaking… annoying.

That was it. I wanted nothing to do with her after that.

It’s a shame, because on the face of it, “Emotions” isn’t a bad tune. And then she goes all supersonic on you. Your natural reaction is to cringe and duck like a gunshot went off. “What was that!?”

And then things get normal again. Her voice is below the threshold of pain, so you think you must have just imagined it, because, who would do that? Until the second time. “There it is again! What is that?”

Now you’re on the defensive. You’re thinking, obviously someone has infiltrated the music industry and is trying to kill people using a sophisticated supersonic weapon.

So you’re waiting for that phrase to happen again. You’re ready for it this time. But they’re way ahead of you, because that last progression she does is just thrown in as filler, not part of the verse. So you don’t see it coming. It comes on, your eardrums burst, and blood trickles down the side of your head. Game over. And that’s if you’re lucky. Some people’s heads just explode completely.

When all is said and done, maybe listening to Lars Ulrich isn’t so bad after all?

No, it’s worse. Because with him, you don’t get the benefit of your eardrums bursting halfway through.

365 Day Song Challenge: Day 69 – “Hole In My Head”

Posted on by Joe Parker

Day 69: A song that you wish someone would cover.

“Hole In My Head” – Human Radio

Human RadioRemember yesterday when I said that I used to turn my nose up at music a lot more easily?

So one day in 1990 my roommate Pete comes in and says “I heard this great song called ‘Me & Elvis’ over the weekend, so I bought the single.”

Um. What?

I’m not an Elvis fan (Presley, not Costello, whom I do like), so the thought of a song talking about someone’s adventures with Elvis did not thrill me. But he insisted on playing it. My nose was summarily up. I insisted on dismissing it and saying I didn’t like it. And I’m not sure I was just being obstinate at that point, I’m not sure I cared for it much.

He proceeded to insist it was good and play it a lot more. And then he showed up with a whole friggin’ album (CD, really). Are you kidding me? I was having none of it.


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And then something strange happened. Over time it became apparent that the music on that CD (including “Me & Elvis”) was good. Some of it was really good. So good, in fact, that I went out and bought the album (CD, really) myself.

While I’d love to put the whole album in the post, just to do my part and promote the band (who seem to be trying to make a comeback), I do have to pick a single song, so I’m going to go with “Hole In My Head.”

When looking for a song to pick, I decided that the song had to meet at least one of three criteria:

  • A song that could have been better from a band I like
  • A song from a band I like that never really saw the light of day, or
  • A song that another band would “fit”

As Meat Loaf and Jim Steinman said, “Two Out Of Three Ain’t Bad.”

“Hole In My Head” fulfills the second and third criterion quite well, but fails miserably at the first. (I think Human Radio did a great job with it.)

Now, please stop and listen to the song before you read further. Don’t worry, I’ll wait.

Hey, welcome back. So, now that you’re intimately familiar with the song, listen to it again, and tell me you can’t hear Barenaked Ladies doing a great cover of this… I know, right?

No matter that it was released two years before BNL got a record deal, in some ways it seems like it was written for them. It has the right feel. It “fits.” I suspect BNL would do a great job with the rest of the songs as well. Except, ironically enough, “Me & Elvis.” I’m not sure anyone else could really pull that one off.

“So,” I hear you asking, “what happened to Human Radio? Why have I never heard of them?” Well, I’ll tell you. We kept waiting for a follow-up album, but alas, none appeared. For years I had no idea why. And then this little thing called the Internet (you may have heard of it) showed up where you can always find the information you want. (And many things you don’t.)

It seems Columbia Records, in their wisdom, did a crappy job of promoting the first album. So it didn’t sell. Since it didn’t sell they decided that the band must not be that appealing (because how could it possibly be Columbia’s fault?) and dropped them. And the other labels figured if Columbia couldn’t make it work, how could they? (This is really how labels operate, it has nothing to do with the music or any sort of logic whatsoever.)

I tried to find a list of albums Columbia released in 1990 so I could point out some hit album(s) that were God-awful that Columbia did promote, but I couldn’t find one. At least not easily. At least not in the first four Google search results. (The Internet sucks! You can never find what you want!) Further searching, however, uncovered a prime example: Step By Step. By New Kids On The Block. Yep. This is how record labels work.

At any rate, if you’re interested, you can have your very own copy of the Human Radio album (CD, really). Multiple copies are available here. (I recommend you go for the used ones.)

Don’t turn your nose up. I’m telling you, it’s really good!

And for those that are curious, here’s “Me & Elvis”…

365 Day Song Challenge: Day 68 – “I Should Be So Lucky”

Posted on by Joe Parker

Day 68: Your least favorite song by an actor turned singer.

“I Should Be So Lucky” – Kylie Minogue

I Should Be So LuckyThere was a time when I was very closed-minded about music. I would turn my nose up based on how a person looked or if their music fell outside of my well-defined musical boundaries. (Kind of like the radio stations I described in yesterday’s post.) For example, there was a time when I hated today’s song just on principle.

I still hate it, so maybe that’s a bad example.

But I no longer hate it on principle, that’s the point. I hate it because it’s just such a horrible song.

I’m pretty sure this is not entirely Kylie’s fault. Word on the street is that her producers wrote the song in 40 minutes while she was sitting outside the studio waiting for them. That would explain a lot.


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Like the crappy lyrics.

And the crappy melody.

And the crappy keyboard voices.

In 1988, when I was on student exchange in Australia this song was everywhere. Thankfully, it was fading from popularity by the time I left for home… just in time for it to peak on the charts in the US. This was not the gift I wanted to bring back from Australia. I’d have been much happier with “Electric Blue” by Icehouse or “Pressure Down” by John Farnham. But alas…

A while back there was a post on a song you change the words to. Until this post, I’d forgotten that I used to sing “God this song is yucky. Yucky, yucky, yucky” whenever it came on. Since Kylie was the darling girl of Oz at the time, this didn’t go over well with some people. Oh well, I’m sure they got over it when they, too, realized what utter tripe it is.

The song is a good example of one thing, though: that many producers have an ear for identifying (and writing) songs that are going to catch the public’s ear, no matter how simplistic or outright bad they are. It’s a sad (but true) fact that the music-buying public loves to be told what they should like, and these guys have a knack for making it and telling the public that it is, in fact, what they should like. “L.A.” Reid and Babyface are two prime examples. Churn out some bad tunes, attach them to good-looking singers, make a sexy video and BAM! Hit song.

This is not to say that the producers and performers are not talented. Like Kylie, in many cases they are (no, I’m not talking to you, Nicki Minaj) even if you don’t happen to like what they come out with. But are they really doing everything they can to grow and excel as an artist, or are they just taking the paycheck and staying stagnant? Doesn’t anyone have any artistic integrity anymore?

Anyway, I’ve grown a little bit myself since 1988 in terms of my musical taste and breadth. I’m a lot more tolerant of different musical types outside of my usual “Rock” comfort zone. That’s not to say I’m going to jump for joy over a bad song, and there are still plenty out there. (Yes, this time I am talking to you, Nicki Minaj.)

Now I’ll at least give something a listen (maybe two) before declaring it utter crap.


For those that may have missed it in 1987, here’s “Electric Blue”…

365 Day Song Challenge: Day 67 – “The Streak”

Posted on by Joe Parker

Day 67: A song you have requested to be played on the radio.

“The Streak” – Ray Stevens

The Streak

I haven’t requested a song on the radio in many years. Perhaps it’s because I simply don’t listen to the radio except on rare occasions. Perhaps it’s because they never seem to play what I ask for anyway. Or perhaps it’s because radio these days is completely corporate-owned pre-programmed schlock designed to fit exactly into a nice little box, never straying outside the boundaries of that selected, well-defined genre or giving disc jockeys any latitude whatsoever to be human and play something other than the 37 songs currently on the playlist which were selected by a computer (or worse, someone at the record company) to be sure-fire hits.

You’re right, it’s probably the first one.

One of the first things I ever remember requesting was “The Streak.” I was probably 10 years old, and I called WILQ based out of Williamsport, PA to request it. It was the country station my parents listened to. (At least I think it was WILQ. It’s been a long time. The call letters ring a bell, but honestly, this was over 30 years ago.) You could tell the disc jockey had no idea what to do with me. But I seem to recall he said he’d see what he could do.


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Apparently what he could do was… well… nothing. Because he never played it. The big jerk. Whatever happened to humoring the kid?

Regardless, I’ve always liked this novelty. It’s a good song (or at least a good chorus, as there really are no “verses”) in general, but the “eyewitness” character who happens to be everywhere the streaker, uh, “performs” is priceless. Maybe that’s why I liked it so much then: there were a lot of people in that part of Pennsylvania just like that guy. (The eyewitness, not the streaker.) Plus, I guess at ten, the whole thing seemed a little risque.

There are only three other songs I specifically remember requesting:

  • “Winning”—Santana. A trip to see “old friends” in Ohio (I was 12) got me hooked on this song. I requested it when I got back home. My friend Mark said “You actually like that song?”
  • “Dance The Night Away”—Van Halen. While a hit, I’ve always thought this song was underrated. I like it a lot. Perhaps even more than the massive hits from 1984.
  • “Let ‘Em In”—Wings. The DJ played “With A Little Luck” instead. So close, and yet so far. Alas, no luck for me.

God knows why I remember these. Chalk another one up for useless trivia taking up brain space that could be used for more important or relevant data.

Like Calculus.

Or Newton’s Laws of Motion.

Or what brand of baloney I like.

I do know I’ve requested more along the way (Songs, not baloney.) Some even got played. But I couldn’t tell you what they are. I guess my brain isn’t completely full of trivia at the expense of real knowledge.

Yet.

365 Day Song Challenge: Day 66 – “Cosmic Thing”

Posted on by Joe Parker

Day 66: A song you like to clean the house to.

“Cosmic Thing” – The B-52’s*

Cosmic ThingLet’s get one thing straight right from the get-go: I do not enjoy cleaning house. It’s a necessary evil, and I’m not good at it.

I’m the type that lets clutter build up until at some point (well before hoarder stage… at least I hope it’s before hoarder stage) I crack and have to clean. (My home office and desk are very near that point, actually.)

But there does come a time in the spring where it does kind of feel right to clean. So I have to jump on the impulse as soon as it hits, otherwise I’ll just let it go and an opportunity will be lost.

It was my freshman year of college when I discovered the cleaning catharsis of Cosmic Thing.

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At the time, “home” was a dorm room in Stoddard C. (And “home-home” was still my parents’ house, as anyone will tell you.) It was a small room, but it still needed cleaning.

Because every once in a while we’d stumble upon something like an onion dip container that had been “lost” but then recovered from under a bed after 2 months. We were filthy college students, what do you want? (To this day I have no idea why we thought it would be a good idea to wash that instead of just tossing it. I guess at the time the concept of throwing away a “perfectly good” Rubbermaid container was unthinkable to poor college students.)

On one particular day, the temperature was right, it was sunny, and the cleaning impulse hit. Needing music (because you always need music, it’s simply a matter of finding the right music for the situation) I decided to put Cosmic Thing on. It wasn’t planned. It was more of a “I think this will work” moment, but as it turned out, it was a perfect convergence. From that day forward, the combination of cleaning and Cosmic Thing were indelibly burned into my memory.

It was a recent album then. But even today, whenever I think of cleaning, I can picture that day, and I almost feel like I need to put that album on.

Cosmic Thing (the album) is the best thing The B-52’s ever did. It’s by far their most consistent and mainstream album, which some people may think is a bad thing. I disagree. It starts with “Cosmic Thing” (the song) and spends the next 47:12 just having fun. (Since the album starts with the title track, I chose that for today’s topic, although in reality, the whole album really qualifies.) There are no ballads to speak of, (the closest thing is “Topaz” and even then, it doesn’t really fit the criteria) so there’s nothing to bring the mood down, and you just keep moving. It even has an instrumental. (“Follow Your Bliss,” one of my favorite instrumentals.) Perfect for cleaning.

Or, come to think of it, perfect for running away from cleaning. Why have I never thought of that until now?

* I’m forced to deal with the misuse of the apostrophe here since it’s in the name. If I had my way, it would be “The B-52s” but it’s not my band.