Day 102: Your favorite Disney movie song.

“Be Our Guest” –
Cogsworth, Lumiere, and the Enchanted Castle Gang

“Be Our Guest” is, indeed, my favorite Disney movie song, but not for the reason you might expect.

Bear with me for what will seem like a non-sequitur, but…

Cafeteria food is never really anything to write home about. But, anyone who’s had the, uh, privilege of being on “the food plan” when you’re in college can probably relate to what I’m about to tell you.

The problem with the food plan is, there’s no escape. You’re pretty much locked in to eating every meal at what is—let’s be honest here—a cafeteria. At premium cost. (When I was in school 20+ years ago it was the equivalent of $75 per person per week. That’s a lot of green for green food. I can’t even imagine what it costs now.)

I won’t mention the company who supplied this “service” to us when we were in school, but suffice to say, the food was awful, and the service was worse. Except on parents’ weekend, when, miraculously, the food was amazing.

Somewhere along the line they figured out people were really (and I mean really) upset about the cost, the food and the service, so they did what any corporation does. They tried to remake their image.

They adopted the slogan “Be Our Guest.” It was supposed to represent the fact that they recognized that we weren’t doing them a favor by being there, but it was they who should be giving favors. They finally realized that they should be providing us better service overall.

Beauty And The Beast had been released around that time, which of course is where the “Be Our Guest” song comes from. Was the adoption of that slogan coincidental? The world may never know. It also happened to be around the time of our annual April Fools issue at the student newspaper.

We decided to lampoon the whole thing by publishing our own alternate lyrics to the song, based on our experiences. I was so pleased with the result (yes, that is me patting myself on the back that you hear) that it is still my favorite Disney song.

Some incidental information:

• The Commons was the name of the dining room
• “Quick Chicks” were chicken patty sandwiches
• The servers wore uniforms of polyester.

So, without further ado, click play on the video below, then read along with our lyric set as the song plays. I think you’ll enjoy it. Even if you don’t, I still enjoyed it, and really that’s all that matters…

Be Our Guest

Be our guest, be our guest. You want service? Oh you jest!
Put your napkin to your mouth, cherie, Spit out that awful mess
Soup is poor, meat is green. Why, we only use Grade “D”.
Try the grey stuff, its delicious. Don’t believe us? Damn, it’s vicious!
We can sing, we can dance. In our polyester pants.
And a dinner here is always second best.
Go on, give it a whirl. Leave the Commons, then hurl.
Be our guest, be our guest, Be our guest!

Mystery meat, corn souffle, armadillo a flambe
We’ll prepare and serve with hair a culinary tragedé.
You’re not alone, we’re all scared, ’cause the meal’s ill-prepared.
You’re all gloomy and complaining, Go to hell ’cause you’re prepaying.
We’re a joke! We play tricks. There’s no meat in those Quick Chicks.
We smear them with a paste you can’t digest!
Come on and move your ass! You’re soon to pass some gas so
Be our guest, be our guest, be our guest!

The meal is so unnerving
When you see just who is serving-
Here’s a bowl with a sole to chew upon
Ahhhhh… those good old days when we were nasty.
Suddenly those good old days are gone.
Seven months we’ve been cheery,
Did you note the food’s still dreary?
Needing training – we’ve got no cooking skills.
Most days we grab what lies around the kitchen
Cover it with gravy
Here’s the parents – oopsidazy!

It’s a guest! It’s a guest! Now we’ve got to be our best!
They pay board and thank the Lord, That it’s they who sign the checks.
Eat dessert, then just leave. Just get out before you heave.
While our concoctions are still brewin’. You’ll be gagging, you’ll be spewin’.
We’ve got beef (maybe not). Heavens sake, was that Spot?
Grind him up, We don’t care if you’re impressed!
It’s a surprise for you, You’ll never have a clue!
When you’re our guest, Be our guest, be our guest!

Be our guest! Be our guest! Those aren’t jimmies, they’re insects
It’s ten years since we’ve had fumigators here, So we’ve got pests!
Try the veal, try Chinese. They’ll both bring you to your knees!
Overnight, the mold’s still growing. Add some sauce so it’s not showing.

Down they go! One by one! They all shout “I’ve got the runs!”
Tomorrow comes real soon. Aren’t you depressed?
Next year avoid the food trap, But for now it’s our crap.
Be our guest, be our guest, be our guest!
PLEASE! BE OUR GUEST!

I cannot take full credit for these lyrics. I must give credit to Jen and Ray as well. We had fun with this one.