Day 70: A song that gives you a headache.

“Emotions” – Mariah Carey

I considered picking a Metallica song for today’s post, but then I realized it was only Lars Ulrich that gave me a headache. Not his drumming. Him. He’s a douchebag.

So then I had to think about an actual song that made my head hurt. It didn’t take long to land on this one by Mariah Carey.

There are three things I know about Mariah Carey:

• She has a five-octave range, which is extremely rare.
• The rumor about her saying “When I… see those poor starving kids… I can’t help but cry…. I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.” is not true. (But was plausible.)
• I don’t like her.

Sure, she’s a diva and that has its own ball of crap that goes along with it, but that’s all par for the course. I can live with that. What really bugs me is that she has to “prove” she has that five-octave range, especially with what they call the whistle register. Which is really just a fancy term for “those notes so high your dog can’t even hear them.” And this song is a prime example.

If you don’t know what I mean, take a quick look at this video:

• I might be able to buy throwing it into a song one time, just to say “Hey, check out what I can do.” Alright, that’s impressive.
• Two times in one song is showboating. Yeah, yeah, okay. Your voice is the real deal. That’s enough.
• The part that really hurts my head is the stretch in the video from 1:18 on. Is that really necessary? That’s just full-on “Nyah, nyah. I’m so much better than you are!” Hey, Mariah, do you mind leaving at least one window in my house intact? Thanks.

This song—specifically that one part of the song—destroyed any possibility of me listening to anything else she did. Ever. For eternity. Because it’s just… so… freaking… annoying.

That was it. I wanted nothing to do with her after that.

It’s a shame, because on the face of it, “Emotions” isn’t a bad tune. And then she goes all supersonic on you. Your natural reaction is to cringe and duck like a gunshot went off. “What was that!?”

And then things get normal again. Her voice is below the threshold of pain, so you think you must have just imagined it, because, who would do that? Until the second time. “There it is again! What is that?”

Now you’re on the defensive. You’re thinking, obviously someone has infiltrated the music industry and is trying to kill people using a sophisticated supersonic weapon.

So you’re waiting for that phrase to happen again. You’re ready for it this time. But they’re way ahead of you, because that last progression she does is just thrown in as filler, not part of the verse. So you don’t see it coming. It comes on, your eardrums burst, and blood trickles down the side of your head. Game over. And that’s if you’re lucky. Some people’s heads just explode completely.

When all is said and done, maybe listening to Lars Ulrich isn’t so bad after all?

No, it’s worse. Because with him, you don’t get the benefit of your eardrums bursting halfway through.